CBT, love, and my own personal hell...

The beautiful weather is upon us it seems...seems to me it's when I descend into darker terrains. I've started a new CBT group therapy--Emotional Regulation & PTSD. Each afternoon I sit in a cramped room with 20 other women, listening and contemplating running screaming from the room. I find myself trapped within my own head, powerless against said armies of depression, anxiety, OCD, and self-loathing. I don't do well with building relationships--I fear being left behind, fear judgement, fear, fear, fear. I have loved and been left behind, been judged, had my heart and brain spread across the Trans-Canada highway. Another love of my life, who once loved me and now has moved on to sluts and chemical dependancy is my deepest form of self-harm. I purposely put myself in their presence, knowing it will slice my heart to shreads like a roast and electric knife. I crave his attention like coffee. What's left of my mind is all consumed by his every inch. We are friends but I know I will perish once his other loves become permenant. Like my mind this post is all over the place--my apologies, welcome to my hell.

My Virgin Blog

My virgin blog. Much needed I believe. It's scary letting the demons out of one's head at the best of times--and sometimes there is just no one out there that is as good a listener as a keyboard.  One of my good friends--realistically my only good friend is a blogger and has opened my medieval brain into the new millennium. I say only good friend because there is this funny thing that happens when your sick--crazy sick-- you loose. You loose it all! You loose your friends, family, job, education, apartment, common-law boyfriend of 8 years, your dignity, your sanity, and your freedom. And if your "lucky" enough to hide your contagious self from others--three months in the looney bin will definately nail your coffin shut for sure. Don't get your crazy on others--but it's ok there's a "depression hurts but you don't have to commercial" to make everyone understand and clear things up---thanks Zymbalta!

I am a young woman who has suffered my whole life. First known hallucination at 6 years old. Started cutting at 14. Therapy at 15. Countless suicide idealations and attempts throughout my 20s. Three extended hospitalizations, with a grand prize of Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder with Psychosis, Dysthymia, Social Anxiety, PTSD, perscription drug addiction with self-harm tendencies.

I'm starting my millionth therapy group--trauma recovery and emotional regulation. Time to get mindful. Please excuse me if I'm not totally syked that my health is totally in my hands and it's up to me to recover... not leaving me with much hope here.

AHHHH I'm feeling better already--venting to the cyberworld of unknowns. If you've gotten this far--thank you. I'll leave you know with the wonderful words of wisdom that my last nurse gave me as I was discharged from hospital after 3 months in crisis care..."sorry, we can't help everyone, it's time for you to go..."
time for trazadone...