CBT, love, and my own personal hell...

The beautiful weather is upon us it seems...seems to me it's when I descend into darker terrains. I've started a new CBT group therapy--Emotional Regulation & PTSD. Each afternoon I sit in a cramped room with 20 other women, listening and contemplating running screaming from the room. I find myself trapped within my own head, powerless against said armies of depression, anxiety, OCD, and self-loathing. I don't do well with building relationships--I fear being left behind, fear judgement, fear, fear, fear. I have loved and been left behind, been judged, had my heart and brain spread across the Trans-Canada highway. Another love of my life, who once loved me and now has moved on to sluts and chemical dependancy is my deepest form of self-harm. I purposely put myself in their presence, knowing it will slice my heart to shreads like a roast and electric knife. I crave his attention like coffee. What's left of my mind is all consumed by his every inch. We are friends but I know I will perish once his other loves become permenant. Like my mind this post is all over the place--my apologies, welcome to my hell.